A Fool's Fate

The list

2009-12-15T23:23:00.005Z

The list...

... of people I betrayed:

- Robbie
- Rachel
- Brit
- Yayoi
- Gareth

... of people I hurt beyond reason:

- Katy
- Lani

... of people I let down:

- Adam
- My parents
- My brother

... of people who I have promised more and never given:

- Drew
- Rossen
- Michelle
- basically all of my friends now that I think about it.

... of people I am terrified I will hurt:

- Suze

This isn't meant to be a self-loathing list, just a reflection. That time of the year I guess? I think I will add more people as I go.

Secret Meeting

2009-09-10T00:03:00.004+01:00

So I'm off on holiday tomorrow, huzzah! Sun, sea and sand here I come.

Honestly, I'm just happy to be off work for ten days, some days I'm not finishing until 7 each night recently, it's depressing.

Anything changed? Not really. I'm still struggling to find a balance, but I think a lot of that has to do with me not getting enough sleep. I'm hoping this holiday will go a long way to fixing that. I've been ill for almost a week now, which has meant I haven't been able to go to the gym, so I've been feeling restless as well.

I had some stuff I was going to write, but then I saw the time and realised I should be bed. I'll get around to it when I get back...

Sometimes Life Isn't Easy

2009-08-24T23:22:00.002+01:00

Long time no post.

So what's been going on... a lot actually if I think about it.

It was my 23rd birthday at the beginning of the month (Leo's are the best), didn't get up to much on the actual day bar going out for a few drinks with Adam and Suze (it was a Monday), but the Saturday before I went with my family into London. We went on the London Eye (which was cool, I love heights), went out for lunch and generally had a good time.

The following weekend I went with my brother down to visit our Dad (which worked out as Suze was in Paris) and went camping in Cornwall. The weather was brilliant, we went body boarding and walked along the Cornish coast. It was a great way to unwind and have some fun.

Went back to work following that for three days and then went to Ayacon! So glad that con was back, Warwick is a much better venue than Leicester. Though it had some downs and problems (stupid early morning maids), it was still a brilliant con and I think everyone had a great time.

Unfortunately I didn't really recover from it the following week due to work and even though I mostly chilled with Suze this weekend, I'm still really tired even today (although that could have something to do with the ten hour day I did at work). Hopefully I'll be able to recover this week!

Things have been odd the last week or so and today I had to sit down for a couple of hours and come to terms that I really don't have any excuses for how I've been acting this year. I've been pretty self centered and moody with my family for a long time now, so I'm trying my best to change that.

I've also been a dick when it comes to Suze. I get jealous so easily, it makes me ashamed. I know why it happens, but it's not a good enough excuse. Nothing is. I'm responsible for how I act, no-one else. I've made childish comments, seen someone a way that they didn't deserve, when they've done nothing but be nice to me, and done by best to get stupid reassurance from Suze when it wasn't necessary. I've been so weak willed and not taken the kind of control and forwardness that I should. It's a stupid cycle, where you do nothing in order to not lose what you have, but by doing nothing is how you end up losing it.

Regardless, I owe her an apology when I speak to her tomorrow and I'm going to try to be the person I used to be, and hopefully become someone more. Because that's what she deserves, not some shadow of a person.

Can I stop repeating the same mistakes? Time always tells.

Next year

2009-07-23T23:38:00.002+01:00

I went out with Adam and Jen tonight to catch up, we ended up spending almost 4 hours in Zizzi's eating food and talking about anything and everything. It's funny what comes up when the three of us get together, they often feel like my third family, the other set of siblings in my life.

I'm really grateful to have them.

Actually I'm a horribly lucky person when it comes to the people in my life, I often don't show the appreciation to them all that I should. Maybe one day they won't be there anymore and that'll be it.

Oscar Wilde said that "I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything." He forgot that the little men give, they lose forever. Women are always able to take everything back.

I really miss two people... even if they're not meant to be in my life anymore.

Oh it's all gonna break.

2009-07-08T22:05:00.003+01:00

Haven't posted in a while, hmmmm...

Life has been up and down, but then it always is. Today I had to go to the Royal Show (it's the last ever one) which is like a big farmer's market/fare type thingy that happens yearly in Stoneleigh for work. Anyway, it was pretty good, even if I did have to get up at stupid o'clock this morning to get there. The food was good, the farmers were all generally nice (and those who weren't eventually came around when I explained what we were doing with the rural land registry to them in terms they understood) and the Defra staff on the trailer who I also had to work with were good fun.

Work has been generally ok, I could complain about certain things but I don't think I'm allowed to post them on the internet lol.

Home life is home life. I'm finding myself being increasingly lazy, it's crap. I need to do more to help out more around the house, I'm not always a great son.

I have the day off work tomorrow, whoop, going to Oxford to hang out with Suze. I've found myself back in a bit of a downer the last few days. Whenever I think I have a handle on my thoughts, they slip out of control again. Everything isn't meant to always be happy and perfect. Sometimes I still feel like the whiny pathetic teenager that I was in school. I want to either go back to the innocence I had as a child, or to hurry up and fully obtain the courage of an adult that I sometimes find myself being able to grasp.

I'm lacking in sleep so maybe it's that.

Falling Down

2009-06-26T23:53:00.002+01:00

Work has been kicking my ass all week, I've stayed late for the past three days. At least I'm back up to 3 days worth of flexi.

Crazy week.

Check out Eden of the East btw, brilliant show.

Maybe I'm feeling a little less paranoid...

Sunbeam stop tugging me...

2009-06-21T21:02:00.002+01:00

And so I find myself at the end of another week.

Why is life going so fast now?! Stupid getting older *grumble*. Actually, that makes me think of getting old and dying, which is not good. I think Robbie is the only person I have met that understands my absolute terror of non-existence, but I think that's because he's quite a philosophical person. Plus he likes mechs. That has nothing to do with anything, but this is my blog so I can tangent as I please.

Moving away from depressing things, life is actually quite awesome right now. Yes, I have to go to work tomorrow, which sucks (who doesn't hate Sunday evenings?), but other than that, I really can't complain.

My job is enjoyable, even if I don't get paid enough for what I do, I just got a nice rebate from Mr taxman (that will be paying off the US trip thank you very much), I have great friends and I have great music playing on my sound system right now.

Which reminds me, I haven't been to concert in almost a year! God, I need to get off my ass and go to one soon. Another tangent I know...

And Suze actually choose to sit down and play Res 5 co-op for several hours. I mean, I didn't even have to suggest it or anything! True, I don't play computer games like I used to when I was a kid, but still, this bodes well for the rest of the relationship.

Actually the fact that I'm with Suze is pretty much at the top of the "why life is great" list at the moment. I'm slowly starting to become less and less worried that I'm gonna say something that is going to fuck everything up. I mean, I most definitely will at some point, but it's great that it's not so much of a worry anymore.

Saturday was a good laugh. I met up with some of the anime community people in Green Park for the picnic thing. Really, I only went to go and hang out with Charlie and Leon, but we had a really good time. Getting to talk to Natalie (one of Charlie's best friends) was good too. I've never had to the chance to talk to her in the past, but we found a common interest in exercise and sports, so it was nice getting to know her. I'm getting to know a lot more of the different bakas this year, and it's been really great. It's part of the reason why I'm so looking forward to Ayacon in a couple of months!

I need to do more drawing...

Again

2009-06-17T21:05:00.003+01:00

I got one hours sleep on the flight back to England.

I think it was one of the best things I've ever done.

Have you ever seen the sun rise across a sea of clouds, like it has broken across the surface of the moon and tinged the cold and black with warmth? To the point where that warmth is able to reach in and finally tinge those cold and black memories of your own, to make them what they should be, and start a new day.

There are a few moments in my life that I can say have been turning points. For some reason, I feel like I can finally put some things aside.

Ghosts exist, even the ancients knew that. So do we, we simply call them by a different name, memory and the unconscious.

I'm saying goodbye to some ghosts on a day graced with English summer rain.

No music, no soul.

2009-06-16T03:46:00.002+01:00

I just realised that I haven't listened to much music over this holiday. Usually whenever I'm by myself, I have some form of music playing (either on my system when I'm in my room or on my ipod when I'm going places) and it always helps to balance me out and put me in a good mood.

Maybe that's what I've been missing. Music generally stops me from thinking, and thinking is pretty much what sends me around in circles and kicks in the minor paranoia.

Anyways, Michelle and I hung out today (my last day here). We went to the zoo (took lots of pics =D ), had lunch and went shopping at the mall (yay art stuff). Tried Taco Bell for the first time and then watched Gran Torino at Michelle and Sean's house (and met their 16 year old dog Hannah). It turned out to be a fun day, but word to the wise, never, ever, get an American taxi if you can somehow avoid doing so. Insane rip off, I don't want to think how much money I've spent on them while I've been here.

Anyways, got packing to finish, then it's bed and off to the airport in the morning.

Wish I wasn't such a whiny emo shit sometimes. It'll get out of my system eventually. I hope.

It's the boring ones that I remember.

2009-06-15T04:05:00.004+01:00

So here I am in the U.S. of A.

Well, actually I've been here for quite some time now and drawing to the end of my trip. But still.

There's a lot in my head that I've been meaning to get down, but I guess I'm too lazy most of the time. But I'll try anyway.

Oh and these won't be in any real logical order.

Firstly, my country sucks when it came to the elections. How did the BNP get two seats?! Sorry, voter apathy doesn't work, if you don't vote, stupid people get in. Wish we were like Sweden and had the pirate party...

Michelle and Sean's wedding was great. I've taken a load of pictures, they will find themselves on the Internet when I get home on Wednesday. The ceremony was outside in the park (perfect sunshine for it too) and the reception took place on a boat that went down the canal. It was great fun, I got to meet loads of new people (Michelle's friends and family did a lot to make me feel welcome and fit in with the group) and a murder mystery took place on the boat with actors. Thanks to me and James's brilliant work, we were the only table who solved the mystery. First rule of crime mysteries and all...

The newly weds also had a gamer night at their house yesterday, which was great. Loads of Halo, pizza and general laughter (11 players across three rooms). Somehow the world ended and I didn't know about it, because Michelle is now good at FPS games.

We also then went out for dinner today (after I got to meet up with Brit for a bit, who kindly took me shopping at the mall), and then the three of us (Michelle, Sean and I) went to go see Up. Brilliant film. Heart breaking. That's the first time I've cried in a cinema before. If you've ever been in love, or lost someone close to you, it hits the nail on the head.

American food is crap, I can feel it eating away at my body. I can't wait till I get home and get to eat healthy food and back to doing exercise.

This trip has been really difficult in a lot of ways, simply because of how much it brings back about Lani. It's like picking at a freshly healed scar. The wound is gone, but the memories and everything else is still there.

I think that's what made me miss talking to Suze so much in the last couple of days. I think the biggest problem with this trip is that, because it's digging up memories of Lani, it's forcing my paranoia to resurface. Something that I keep struggling to keep down. I keep getting that random voice, especially when I wake up or am alone at night, just saying "It's gonna fall apart, she's going to realise you're worthless." It doesn't help that the same voice nags at pretty much everything, my work, my ability to draw, how I look... it just keeps finding something new to target. Maybe one day it'll really go away.

Ah North Korea and Iran, you guys suck.

I need to write and draw more.

Peace.

We Will Become Silhouettes...

2009-06-07T23:17:00.003+01:00

Oh man I'm beat.

Yesterday I really worked on my legs (running, squats and weights), which in hindsight wasn't such a great idea, as I spent all of today constantly walking.

Went around Leamington Spa, Stratford upon Avon and Evesham, walking through the towns and down past the rivers with Suze. It was a really good day as the weather forecast was rain for the whole day, but it ended up being really pleasant (almost too hot at one point).

There's tons that I want to write about today, what we did and saw and about Suze in general. But I need to be up early tomorrow and I'm shattered.

I guess the best way to sum it up would be, that I didn't want to leave.

So make of that what you will.

Veridis Quo

2009-06-02T23:20:00.002+01:00

This time next week I'll be getting ready to go to states! Kind of crazy when I think about it.

Work this week has been insane. It's so busy sometimes I feel like I'm trying to juggle twenty things at once, but I shouldn't complain really. It means that my job is actually usually interesting, I find myself at a loss if I don't have something to do so it is good! Although if I did what I do in the private sector I would get paid a hell of a lot more, but that's what this is really, CV experience and a nice way to save money.

Been trying to draw the first few pages of View and keep failing. I think I'm gonna spend a good portion of my time in the states just sketching at this rate lol!

This weekend should be fun =) Jon and Nikki have a BBQ on Saturday night and on Sunday I'm going out again with "S", let's hope she can stand me for another day ^^; exploring Leamington this time, which I've done before so hopefully I'll actually be able to contribute towards places to go and see.

In worldly news, my country is lame. No-one gives a crap about the elections that are going on right now, yet in the rest of Europe they are big news *sigh*.

I do think too much, I need to just sit back and enjoy things for a while. Hopefully a stream of sketches to put up by the end of the week if I can get into the swing of things properly!

Paperfaces

2009-05-28T22:16:00.003+01:00

Even though yesterday was crap, the end of it was kind of saved by someone. Though I won't tell them that lol.

The weather today has been really muggy, so it's left me feeling kind of sluggish and lacking the energy to work. Work itself dragged big time and I've had no motivation to draw this evening. The only thing I have felt like doing is a bit of exercise, but I still ache too much after yesterday and there's no point in ruining the work I already did.

I was going to write some long post about growing up, responsibility and what it means to change... but I can't be bothered. The general summary was about getting up and doing... stuff.

Safe to say, it would have been life changing for anyone who would have read it. Fact.

We saw the dragon of doubt...

2009-05-27T22:08:00.004+01:00

Today sucked.

Really fucking sucked.

Firing someone is awful, it makes you feel utterly terrible as a human being.

I can't let anyone in my life without my paranoia kicking in. Ever since Katy it's been the same thing. The same goddamn thing and it's driving me insane. Days like today I feel like I should just always be alone, so that I never have to feel like this.

It feels like I'm just waiting for the moment when they'll see what kind of person I can really be and that will be it. Gone.

Maybe sleep will make everything better.

And this old world is a new world...

2009-05-26T23:33:00.003+01:00

So today I spent the day in Oxford with... uh... let's name her "Butterfly".

Anyways, it turned out to be a really good first date. At least I thought so lol. We spent the day going around Oxford for about seven hours, stopping to go to a museum, get lunch, get coffee and generally go to odd little places.

The sun was shinning and you know what, I had a really good day.

A great day in fact.

So yeah, I'm looking forward to next time. Even if that is a few weeks away as she has a lot on at the moment and I'm going to the states in two weeks.

Honestly, I'm a lot more pessimistic this time around than I ever have been before. But slowly, I think, I'm becoming the more positive person that I used to be. Maybe growing up is learning to balance the two, so that you can take the blows life throws at you and still enjoy the good things.

Regardless, I'm tired. So... off to bed!

Anthems For A Seventeen-Year-Old Girl

2009-05-26T09:39:00.002+01:00

Sometimes I feel like Alphonse, because I have a stupid prideful chibi big brother.

I've kept countless secrets and information from his family and he wants to sit there and to not worry anyone by pretending everything is normal. Just like my little brother as well.

Well here's the deal. I don't worry about the conditions/problems, because there is nothing that can be done to control those. Everyone has something wrong with them, that is a fact of life that can't be changed.

What I worry about is what can be changed, which is simply acknowledging that there is a problem. He has a reckless life style that will get him killed eventually because of what is wrong with him. If he was sensible then I wouldn't have to worry and freak out like this. But he won't, because he wants to pretend to be normal and because of the guilt that ways him down.

Maybe I'm more scared that one day I'll have had enough, confront him, tell him the real truth that he doesn't want to hear and everything will be ruined.

Snow and Lights

2009-05-21T22:19:00.002+01:00

So I had to spend about 9 hours travelling today for work.

It was lame.

At least I can think about all of that sweet sweet over time.

Going to London with the gang tomorrow for Expo weekend. Expo itself will be crap, but getting to hang with everyone should be really fun. I get back on the Sunday but I'll still have Monday and Tuesday off thanks to the bank holiday weekend (and because I'm a civil servant). Bank holidays used to mean nothing back in school and uni, now that I'm working full time they are like the greatest thing ever. April/May is truly a glorious time for long spring weekends in this country.

Oh and on Tuesday... I have a date. Shhhhhhh, don't tell anyone though ~_^

Roll on the weekend! =D

I don't want to go back to those days, I'm just looking for the skies that I lost.

2009-05-18T22:03:00.002+01:00

No more sketches at the moment, my hands are too shaky from the gym. I think I got too cold from the walk home too, even though the dusk breeze was pleasant. Need to have a shower!

In other news... nothing. My life is boring lol. Don't think I'll be leaving work early at all this week, although I might be able to pull it off on Friday for Expo (four day weekend! =D ). Protein shakes are disgusting btw, but I have to with my scrawny body.

I think I spend a lot of time in my head. Probably way too much. But after what I, and those around me, have experienced in the last couple of years, I think circumstance is a poor excuse. If you want something, really want something, you'll get it no matter what it takes.

You're shaped by what you experience, but you shouldn't be controlled by it.

All of the beautiful things

2009-05-17T22:50:00.004+01:00

I suck at character designs...

Michael:

Anemone (Anne):

More coming this week (as well as these being finished).

Lots and lots to do!

The night is never too long

2009-05-14T22:30:00.002+01:00

So Suze has managed to kick my ass enough into getting a comic done. We've been kind of motivating each other to do a comic, so I've actually been progressing with both my short story (The View From My Desk) and my "epic" (Bellum).

The plot for The View is now completed, character profiles is mid complete and I should have all character concept/design sketches done by the end of the weekend. That leaves the rest of the month to plan the chapter layouts and then I can begin drawing the pages at the start of June. ^___^

Work has been kind of stressful this week, but it has meant that it's gone quickly and I generally work best under stress.

This weekend will be my first doing nothing in quite a while. It'll be nice to recharge my batteries and work solely for my own enjoyment.

Once all of the sketches are done I think I'll put them up on here.

My first sin was the lie I told myself

2009-05-10T20:22:00.003+01:00

This weekend taught me that I can't keep doing this to my body. I can seriously feel how badly this weekend has messed up my system and training. I'm actually considering not drinking anymore. It doesn't help get rid of how alone I can feel, it just ruins me physical condition to that of my mental.

After I've finished sorting out my room, think I might sit down and start writing up The View From My Desk and Bellum properly.

Busy week ahead.

The Backseat

2009-05-08T19:33:00.002+01:00

Off for another weekend with Sparrow and the boys.

Another weekend to forget work, forget my lack of self confidence, to forget a red rose clip and to forget a pair of green eyes.

Another weekend to remember how to have fun.

The Navesink Banks

2009-05-06T18:44:00.001+01:00

This is what I hate about cleaning out my room, I find letters that I don't want to see.

Stupid cleaning.

Got to be done though .___.

Fast and free, follow me...

2009-05-04T23:07:00.002+01:00

The weather was gray today, which sucked. Still, I spent a good portion of it out in the garden, helping to clear out the broken path slabs. Apparently we'll be using them as the base for a chicken pen... because my parents are getting chickens... my family is generally unhinged.

Went to the gym this morning, think I'll go for a run tomorrow after work. This evening has generally been slow, all I've done is played computer games, read manga and talk to two people online.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Dull Life

2009-05-03T23:03:00.004+01:00

Note to diary: Beer festival + Indian food = not good for stomach.

Gym in the morning, exercise has become the cornerstone of my life now. I'm going insane not doing it for even two days. I should have gone for a run.

Sleep.

We flow down the aether.

2009-05-02T23:33:00.003+01:00

Can I time travel?

I dunno. I kind of felt that I did yesterday. I walked down a road that I haven't been down in a year, it hasn't changed. I spent my travel down it replaying the other times that I had walked down it.

I've walked down it with both of the women I've loved.
I've walked down it with friends who I haven't seen in far too long.
I've walked down it in brilliant July sun, in heavy April showers and bitter October winds.
I've walked down it in silence, in happy song, in friendly converse and in drunken stupor.
I've walked down it with no hope, having gained God, having questioned everything, walking in spiritual and emotional bliss, and wanting to throw myself in front of every car driving past.
I've walked down it every day and years at a time, and it's never changed. Only I changed.

Maybe I'll go back to that road again, maybe I won't. Just have to see where life takes me.

I had a good time with Rossen and Matt whilst I was back in Colchester/Wivenhoe. Got to meet some new people, which is always fun, and enjoy myself drinking, eating, laying in the sunshine and playing stupid games.

Road trips are fun. Road trips with beer and power ballads are more fun.

Still have two more days off, thank you May Day.

I wonder why I have such a thing for girls with attitude and who are strong willed. *shrug*

The '59 Sound

2009-04-30T22:58:00.004+01:00

So my best friend got mugged and stabbed today. Luckily it was only a skin deep wound, but it shows you how fucked up things are sometimes.

I'm meant to understand that everyone does something for a reason, that someone does something evil because of their weakness and what has happened to them in their life. I'm meant to, but sometimes I wish I had the power to just kill every scummy druggy, murderer, rapist, god-damn evil little shit on the face of the planet.

Going back to uni for the weekend for Rossen's birthday, should be fun.

I need some louder music.

Get what we want.

2009-04-28T22:43:00.002+01:00

Where has the last year gone? Seriously?! Life is moving too fast lately.

Typically it was nice and sunny today, in comparison to yesterday's heavy rain. Huzzah for England.

I think I might have cause a disagreement between two girls in a book store. Oops ^^;

So I've now been training for four months. Two months spent doing cardio and light weights and the last two hitting the gym and strength training. My overall fitness has definitely gone up and I've generally gotten a lot stronger. My chest, arms and legs have improved nicely, but I think my back and stomach are still lacking, so I'm gonna try to push those over the next couple of months.

It's nice that I now feel like I can generally rely on my body. Once I've hit a certain strength level I'll probably ease off and try to find a balance between cardio based stamina and strength. It's hard for me to do both without reaching a certain muscle level first because I have no fat, I just end up burning off anything I put on. =S I'm never going to be very well built, and that's good, I like being slim. I just don't want to be seen as weak anymore I guess. I'm enjoying this lifestyle greatly though (even if I do have to eat a lot =) )

Sleep now I think, I could hardly sleep at all last night. Kept having the same nightmare. Oh well.

Counting stars on the ceiling...

2009-04-27T23:40:00.002+01:00

I wasted an evening. I have actually done nothing. Not even gotten further on any games.

The only thing consistent thing about my country's weather is that it's inconsistent. Never go anywhere in England without an umbrella.

Bed is the answer.

'Em Are I

2009-04-26T22:37:00.004+01:00

I'm so dead from the gym today, I just feel like jelly at the moment... =/

So the weekend was pretty busy. My cousin Phil is joining the army (to be a dog handler) and thus there was the typical family gathering party-thing in Coventry to attend. The actual event was ok, although I enjoyed the weekend itself more for the things that took place around it.

Getting to hang out with my dad and brother has been becoming a more enjoyable experience as the last couple of years have gone on. This is mostly due to me and my brother both having mostly grown out of the "annoying the fuck out of your sibling" phase, and partially due to the fact that we are all now adults.

Does it make me a girl that the highlight of the whole weekend was that I brought a really cool new item of clothing? >.>; Kinda of annoyed over the fact that some stores don't make jeans in my size though (is 28 waist, 32 leg too much to ask for really?!)

I need to move out of Reading once my contract with work is finished, it does not bode well that I saw more cute girls in WH Smith in a train station within 1 minute, then I did during a whole evening out in Reading. The fact that there are only two bars really worth going to also does not bode well. Maybe I can move with Nick and Satnam, or can convince Matt and Adam to get a place once we're all a bit more sorted. Who knows?

Every day it gets drilled into my head further and further that Little Red will be on the list. It's not a very long list, it only has three people outside of my family on it, but once someone is on it, they never leave. I think if you genuinely come to love someone, then that never goes. It changes into something else, but it never leaves. They'll still pop into your head every now and then, just to fuck you up. It's no-one's fault or anything, it's just what happens. Why do I always regret the last thing I said to the people I love? I really need to apologise at some point, when everythings kind of not like it is.

I kind of wonder how much I weigh now...

Seven swans... seven swans...

2009-04-25T02:13:00.003+01:00

Kind of collecting my thoughts at the moment.

Life seems to be falling into a repeating pattern at the moment. In a way, that's ok, because I need things to ground me into the present.

Just.

I'm so shit with words and the English language in general. I have this, mess, in my head. And I want it to be put somewhere, but I can't seem to get it out. I think it's a reason why I struggle in friendships and relationships alike. I can't articulate myself properly and find myself being boring and just, lame. I guess.

Every day my patience grows slimmer it would seem. I don't believe I've been a good son lately, I'm having crap conversations with my parents. It's not like I don't want to know how their day was, or about something new that they have to tell me. I just can't seem to respond properly and my tone ends up coming out wrong when I say something, so I end up sounding like a dick when I don't mean to be. I'm just failing to connect to people I guess.

I know that will change, because I am becoming happier. Or maybe that's just because the weather has gotten better.

It would be nice if I could fix other people's lives. Some people go through such terrible shit, I'm pretty sure I would brake down if I had to withstand what happens to those I know.

New music to listen to tomorrow, need sleep first though.

Got to be some more change in my life.

2009-04-22T21:40:00.003+01:00

I'm tired of feeling like this. I want to be a good person like I used to be.

I'm also tired of having to put up with women complaining about "Sparrow". Every single mildly attractive girl (usually with nice personalities) fall for him and then I have to listen about it. It's extremely demoralising, especially when your own self confidence is rock bottom. Not that I want them to all like me instead, just... maybe a constant reminder that there are people out there that are better than you isn't always fun.

God I wish I could get some decent sleep.

Exercise seems to be the only thing that is grounding me in my life at the moment.

You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl.

2009-04-21T21:44:00.004+01:00

Nothing is quite like a blue sky and the sun on your back.

Sometimes I love my silly little country.

The news is always depressing but I think it's something that a person should never shy away from. The Durban Review Conference has been... interesting? How do we actually solve the Israel/Palestine problem? Neither side is right and letting someone like Ahmadinejad speak like that is only ever counter-productive. Everyone has the right to voice their opinion and all sides should be considered, but racism will never be solved by more racism. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Actually, more to the point. No-one is right. Ever. There is no "right" view. Only that we learn tolerance, acceptance and learn to live together. Which is pretty much idealistic crap, but it's the truth. It just hurts how many people say it and don't understand what it means to achieve those things. To understand other's needs, pasts, perceptions, the general baggage that comes with being a human. Maybe once cultures, societies and base values merge enough so that our needs become the same, then we might get there.

Maybe.

In normal life, had to pay £16.50 for someone to poke around in my mouth with metal objects for less than two minutes and tell me everything is ok. Rip. Off. Oh well, still better than what some people have to pay.

I keep having very very bizarre dreams lately, which is annoying as I usually hardly ever dream. They keep waking me up at annoying times, like 5:30 this morning =__= oh well.

I need to shower and then go to sleeeeep.

Oh and I <3 Felicia Day. Lol. She is super cute for a red head though.

Do you ever get the feel?

2009-04-20T20:08:00.004+01:00

I had one weird dream last night. It went from being in London with Matt and Adam, to being at a con, to us in Starbucks, to us being in a car chase underground, to use arriving at a martial arts tournament with everyone I've ever known, to me having a free pass to training and fighting without knowing, to me being in a fight and saying I can't hit a girl and Suze & Ros kicking me in the face. Then I woke up. What's more weird is that I remembered every single detail throughout the entire day. Bizarre.

I'm kind of tired after the gym... and smelly. Need a bath.

And why can't I finish this pic?!

The weather is so nice this spring, I'm sure summer is going to suck.

Edit: Note, when greeting a girl with the line "Hi ho silver lining", make sure you don't dramatically pause on the "silver lining" part, it can lead to great pain... trust me .___.

Scene 1

2009-04-19T21:18:00.002+01:00

I've pretty much been a yo yo the last half a week. I dislike how easy it is for me to slip like this sometimes. It takes me a long time to get people out of my head, they decide to randomly slip into my thoughts whenever they please, although it does get better. Eventually.

Just have to remember what I decided on from way back when.

Man I'm so shattered this evening. Stupid work this morning. At least the sun has been shining all day and I got to have lunch in the park. Still, my body clock is too good. I woke up at normal work day time (6:50) because I knew I had to be in today, even though I could have had longer in bed. Oh well.

Gah, why can't I finish this picture? Stupid lack of creativity.

I'm kind of hungry too...

Beautiful Life

2009-04-18T23:48:00.002+01:00

I'm meant to define my own life and find meaning through myself.

That's what I'm told.

But I've always lived for someone else, so why should I stop now?

That's my answer.

The Seething Rain Weeps For You

2009-04-18T13:47:00.003+01:00

1. I hate feminists. The bitches distort history to make out that women were oppressed when they weren't (I'm pro equal rights, regardless of gender, race, sexual preference etc. but don't change the facts please).

2. For the love of all things holy, if I have to hear one more person say that women know more about love then men, I might just kill someone. Both genders fuck it up, it's all down to the individual. Besides in the 21st Century, men are actually likely to be more committed and loyal from what I've seen =S

3. mmmmmm ice cream.

I'm subtle like a lion's cage.

2009-04-18T10:00:00.005+01:00

Ugh, I shouldn't have stayed up playing computer games and watching films. I knew I was tired, but I didn't want to sleep and now I feel a bit crappy this morning. Which kind of generally sucks because mornings are usually the one time in the day when I do feel good, probably why I hate getting up really late or having a hangover.

My brother and I are going into town this afternoon to buy my mum her birthday present. We're probably going to get her a digital camera as she still uses her old film one and she's had that since I was a kid .___.

Then we'll be off to the gym for the last session of the week. I'm starting to actually have definition in my back. I want to change how I look but there's something else as well, even though it's a bit bizarre. Regardless I still have years of work to get my body where I want it to be, but it's ok when I consider I would instead probably just be spending that time lazing about anyway, so I should be productive.

I need to get a better handle on my tolerance for people. I find myself getting annoyed and being on the edge of snapping far too easily. It's probably because I'm annoyed with myself more than anything and so I just take it out on others. I hate carrying people around in my head, they weight too much.

God I wish I could live my life just to one giant bass line.

I know the way out of here... maybe... I think... >.>

2009-04-15T21:24:00.002+01:00

Eventful day? I dunno, I guess?!

My mum was ill today, so yeah, but my brother made dinner! Which, has never happened. Well it has, but it's such a rare occurrence that I'm allowed to count it as never happening.

And I ran into Will and Stuart this evening, both of whom I haven't seen in years (I didn't recognise Will! ^^; ), so it was pretty cool getting to catch up with them. Stuff like this keeps happening now. I don't like to accept it, but I guess I'm an adult now. Not fun -_____-

Stupid work tomorrow with it's stupid stupidness. Blah.

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Zero

2009-04-14T23:44:00.002+01:00

New music, yay! =P

Yeah, I forgot what an amazing comic Lost At Sea is. If you haven't read it, then I seriously suggest you do. Especially if you've just come out of a relationship or you're feeling alone and don't know where you're going in life.

I'm really into female singers at the moment. Plus funky bass lines.

I'm 22 and writing references for jobs for people... how did this happen again?!

Bed, yay!

When you're a world in a world

2009-04-14T07:07:00.002+01:00

See, that's what I get for saying that I don't want to dream, I get the most bizarre fucking dream ever.

Gah, work -____-

Is that your final answer?

2009-04-13T22:37:00.002+01:00

Today was pretty good... ish. It followed the pattern of most of my days (waking up happy and ending the day feeling crap, night makes me reflect too much).

Went to the gym with my bro in the morning, don't think I worked my chest enough (tri's are kind of dead though) so I'll try a few sets of push ups before I go to bed. Arthur goes back to uni on Sunday so I need to find a new gym buddy =S unfortunately my friends in Reading don't really do exercise so I might be a bit stuck.

Spent most of the day in the garden when I got back. Did some sketching and generally enjoyed the nice weather. We then went out for dinner in Henley with my Uncle Steven and Aunt Silvia. It was nice (food was good and they paid =P) and we were there for a good three hours, so that was most of the evening.

Feeling pretty bleh since I got back. Yeah I have work tomorrow but that's not it. Just feeling sorry for myself at the moment right now I guess. Being alone is easy. I've done it forever. I just miss particular people. If that makes sense. I miss them for who they are. Lame.

Can't seem to finish this drawing. I don't want to dream again tonight.

Stupid work.

The weather is sweet

2009-04-13T16:43:00.003+01:00

Ah pure perfect spring. Drawing in the garden today has been good. =)

I'm only really creating this so I can post this:

It's an old joke between me and Michelle, but Mizzy really will be a sky pirate in Bellum and there's nothing she can do about it =P

I'm in the basement, you're in the sky.

2009-04-12T22:26:00.003+01:00

How do you beat something that does exactly what you do, but a hell of a lot better?

Damn White Glint, OverBellum is gonna have to be re-designed and re-tuned I think. I just got used to the handling of this version as well.

So yeah, I've spent a good part of today playing For Answer on and off. I've done some sketching today too, although not as much as I should have. As it was Easter Sunday, my family have been around all day (from my mother's side). Most people think I'm a bit strange... I've got nothing on the rest of my family >.> Not that I don't care about them or anything, just... yeah.

Got another day off tomorrow which is sweet, so only a 4 day working week now.

I've been thinking the last few days. Why does everything have to be so serious? Everyone's all, "gah, relationships are messed up, we only do them to cover up our faults" "you're in love with love" "everything is about the issues you have with your family" etc. So much so that it made me question a lot as to why I've ever been in love and what my relationships (please note that when I use the term relationship, this includes the friendships I have in my life as well, there are different types of love out there!) have been about.

And the only conclusion I could come to was to say fuck it. I fall in love because I fall in love. I can count those people on one hand and I love them all because of who they are. Relationships, friendships, those things just happened because I had a connection with that person and I enjoyed being with them. There is stuff I hate about myself, I have issues, and they infringe upon any bond in my life, but no shit. I'm human. I never reached out for a friend or a partner because of the sake of the term, but because of the person. Shit, why is everything so depressing lately? Life is up and down (I'm more of a yo yo than most people as well) but I'm still here to be happy. That's what I've always aimed for, and it's what I'll continue to do.

Tomorrow, White Glint is going dooooooown.

Worst. Film. Ever.

2009-04-11T22:00:00.002+01:00

Seriously.

No amount of alcohol made it better or even funny.

I actually wanted to gouge out my eyes with spoons while watching Dragonball Evolution. I can even forgive bad acting, but bad editing, bad production, bad fucking everything. Unforgivable. God bless Marv for coming out with some classic lines while we were watching it though.

I am so tired from crashing around Robbie and Ross's last night. Was fun as hell, but only got three hours sleep at 8 this morning so yeah.

Feeling kind of... dunno, right now. A lot of dunnos right now. Crazy uncles are visiting tomorrow for Easter.

Still got another two days off, yay.

Shall we call this a lesson learned?

2009-04-10T08:58:00.002+01:00

I couldn't sleep last night. I was just laying there for an eternity, my thoughts doing their thing.

I looked in the mirror this morning, I'm not sure I recognised the man looking back. The outside has changed, so has the inside too. This is the problem. I have changed. I am moving. But I've never had to work through this before and sometimes it feels like I have no idea what I'm doing. People only hate because it's the easiest way to avoid the pain. That's the lesson I've learned. Only taken me 22 fuckig years .__.

But when you do, it's impossible to hold onto the past hate that was keeping you going. The pillars might have been black but they were what was keeping parts of me from falling. It feels like the curtain hanging over all of my faults has been dropped and I've only finally seen the damage that was under the surface and the work required absolutely terrifies me sometimes.

I've never stopped loving a single person in my life and the combined loss is still there.

That probably sounds all emo and whiney, it's not. I think it's the truth most people choose to ignore about themselves. And it's not like I can't deal with it.
Because I can.

Just, I'm a bit unsure how many steps to take at a time when I can't see that far in front of me.

Oh and I'm going to being spending money on seeing possible the worst film to come out this year. Sweet.

A tissue, a tissue, we all fall down.

2009-04-09T18:57:00.002+01:00

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrred.

I have nothing to do this evening and I spent all day playing computer games, drawing, painting, reading and generally being a geek. Can't go to the gym tonight as I went yesterday and I can't be bothered to go out drinking as I'll be spending most of tomorrow doing that.

Sometimes having too much free time is a bad thing.

On another note, while I am feeling positive lately, I am realising more and more how much of a bad person I can be. I'm annoying, whiney, bitchy, rude, swear too much and can be an asshole to people who don't deserve it. And all I can do is live with how I've acted and try not to do it again. No magic fix. Lame.

I've now built the OverBellum, tis ownage. Need to give it a good colour scheme though.

My feelings on a few people are kind of mixed at the moment. Not mixed on whether or not I actually like them or hate them, just, I'm not sure how to act/what to say to them. I guess. I dunno, my head has been weird the last two days.

Fall

2009-04-08T22:59:00.002+01:00

Start of my five day weekend. Thank you very much Easter.

Went down the gym, my arms are absolutely dead. I hate being skinny, it means I have to totally destroy my body each time just to rebuild a bit of muscle. I've been seriously watching my diet as well. I definitely have caught the fitness bug though.

Work was annoying in a lot of ways but I don't feel like spoiling my mood by writing them down.

I need to thank people and tell them what they mean to me more often.

Off to build a mech and then to bed =)

The Bucket

2009-04-07T22:53:00.003+01:00

So while I'm waiting on my hard drives to defrag *NERD!* Who said that?! ¬_¬

Anyways, while I'm waiting, thought I would post! Been busy the last week or so, as I've been in France (which was awesome, but whoever knows me on Facebook can see my collection of pics, faaaaaar too many to put up here) and the minute I get back to work *BHAM* welcome to the stress. Oh well, I'm actually enjoying my job despite that! (God help me!)

So random thoughts for lately.

Everyone's fucked up and I'm generally a stupid self-centered asshole and I need to learn to deal with it.

Best way to deal? Buy yourself a new coat. At least that's my excuse for buying it today (I did need something more lightweight for summer). I don't know how those comics got there though... >_>

I always say I'm a good person, but I'm not really. I do a lot of stupid stuff and can have absolutely awful thoughts. I think I have some anger issues that I need to deal with as well, but those seem to be more curbed the more I exercise, so maybe taking up a new sport is the way to go (I want to do a martial arts of some sorts at some point, but most are boring and not actually that useful! Guess we'll have to see).

I've also realised lately that I'm very lucky to have the brother that I have and I don't give him the credit he deserves.

And that folks, is time for bed. Meeting in the morning! Then roll on 5 day weekend =P

Sakura

2009-03-31T23:16:00.003+01:00

Since the weekend I have been in a stupidly good mood.

Ok, so I've been a bit stressed at work and a bit up and down now and then when I think about a certain someone, but something inside has definitely changed. I don't know what, but it feels like something had clicked in place and that I got back a part of myself that has been missing for some time.

What is definitely new though is that this mood has somehow merged with my drive. Usually when I'm happy, I'm complacent. But now, I'm happy... well at least at peace with myself, and yet I still have this unending desire to change.

I think I've learnt a lesson that I thought I had grasped a long time ago.

Got to see where this leads to.

I'm on a boat

2009-03-29T22:45:00.004+01:00

What an awesome weekend.

OK, it could have been better but it was still a really good laugh and I got to make some new friends (Ros and Suze) and I got a lot closer to some of my other friends (Ross, Robbie, Liam and Matt).

I could write a lot about what happened but I've just been to the gym and I'm tired.

The finale of Gundam 00 was pure win. Can't wait for the movie next year!!!

^___________________^

In the end I can't say it, because it will just cause more problems. I'm an idiot sometimes.

I need my bed, sleepy from... well, lack of sleep lol. Come on work, I'm actually kind of looking forward to you!

The World At Large

2009-03-25T22:52:00.002Z

I can't even brush my teeth properly, my arms are that dead. Ha.

Work tomorrow and then off for a weekend with my friends. It'll be fun, hopefully it'll get me a bit out of my current depressive phase.

Maybe.

So Here We Are

2009-03-24T22:14:00.003Z

Totally forgot how awesome Scott Pilgrim is. Best random find in a book store so far this year ^_____^

Gah, best "life lesson" on the month (maybe year?) actually came from an anime. I think everyone in their life can say someone important didn't understand them. Their father, mother, brother, sister, lover, friend etc. And this is true, there will be moments in your life when you'll wonder how can someone that should have a close bond to you can so utterly fail to understand you.

But the underpinning truth is, did you ever truly try to reach out and understand them?

It's easy to hide behind excuses, "I was only a child", "I was going through a difficult period", "I didn't know how to". But the thing is, that doesn't cut it really. Not if you want to make yourself and those around you happy. If you do, you have to take some measure of responsibility for others and the bonds in your life.

No-one does anything in life without a reason, even if that person doesn't understand the reason themselves. Sometimes you have to be the person who reaches out first. Sure, there will be times when you'll give a lot to understand someone, and get nothing in return. But if you don't, how will this world ever change?

I know I've been guilty of this in my life. I've hidden behind excuses and done horrible, horrible things to people. All you can do is keep reminding yourself and keep trying to change I guess...

Here

2009-03-22T22:06:00.003Z

Went to the zoo today, as it was mother's day in England and my mum wanted to go. Thus my brother and I took her to Cotswold Wild Life Park and a good day was had by all. I generally did have a good time, although I've have a terrible cold all day so I was sneezing/blowing my nose for most of it. Still, we had fun so that's what matters. I'll probably put up pictures on Facebook later on.

Hopefully the cold will be gone by the morning .___.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow, fingers crossed it'll be as good as last time!

On the other side of things, I still have a lot of work to do. I really am a whiney needy emo little shit sometimes. That's something I can deal with eventually I think but I need to stop taking it out on people. One step at a time I guess.

Shelter

2009-03-21T23:10:00.004Z

Weird day, but then I guess what other day did I expect. Maybe weird people attract weirdness... or maybe everyone is weird and I just usually fail to notice it.

Like there was the weird girl with the insane piercing eyes at the hairdressers. All I did was ask if they had a free appointment and she stared at me for a couple of seconds like she was trying to see through my soul... or maybe she was daydreaming and it took a while for my question to snap her out of it lol.

Then there was the weird guy at HMV in front of me, was like he was talking to himself or something, I dunno. It was just very bizarre. Oh and the chav who asked me to by him cigarettes without even saying please, which was met with a sound no.

Next were the weird girls at Waterstones who stood in front of the manga. I mean, it's pretty obvious in a book store when someone wants to look at the shelf you're looking at but it was like they couldn't tell I was there. And then they went dead silence and strange when I asked (politely) if I could squeeze past. Maybe because they were otaku. The girl at the till struck up a conversation about manga as well, which never happens in Reading. And the other girl at the till had a rose in her hair for some reason (she was very pretty, which somehow made it even more bizarre).

Finally there was Shiva again in the model shop (I call her Shiva because she has the same hair as Shiva in FFX, like these thick dreads. It's kind of cool but a shame really as she's cute. She would probably be incredibly attractive if she had a hair style that suited her. I guess that makes me shallow...). She was her usual strange self, I mean, she called me "my dear" (she looks younger than me =S ). She always seems to be the one who serves me in there as well.

Anyway, she unleashed a talent that only a few girls I have met have, which I guess you could call the "instant-switch venom-tone technique". She was serving me at the till in a friendly manner when the shop phone rang. As she was obviously next to the phone, the other member of staff in the store asked her to pick it up (he was sitting down doing nothing half way across the store). I assume that he must have annoyed her earlier or something because she suddenly used the technique. This is basically when a girl, without raising the volume of her voice, is able to suddenly say something with such utter venom that instantly cuts all other conversations in the vicinity and cowers all nearby males. Most girls usually get shrilly and raise the pitch and volume of their voice in an annoying manner, but a select few can pull off what this girl did. Needless to say, she suddenly switched from being friendly to me, to telling the other staff member to go pick up the phone as she was serving someone, to then being friendly with me again. Women don't realise how terrifying they can be... .___. Still she seems a nice person.

So town was filled with strange people today.

I have a cold, which is a bit sucky but we're off to the zoo tomorrow which should be fun ^__^

Final thought, stolen from a quote I saw today so this can't be credited, nor is it the exact wording, however:

"When you lose love, the problem is not that a part of you is now dead. The problem lies in the fact that a part of you is still alive."

Today had a very black cloud over it.

Nothing Better

2009-03-21T00:10:00.004Z

Weird bus trip home... very weird...

Puts a smile on my face to see that some people go out of their way for others sometimes, it's nice to receive the odd note like that sometimes.

Funny what I was doing this time exactly one year ago. God I don't even know what I'm doing or saying half the time, especially around people close to me. Hopefully I'll change into something better.

Body is going to be in pain tomorrow, my shoulder's are already killing. Still, can't stop now.

Elevator

2009-03-18T12:15:00.002Z

One word to describe this week... "ow..."

Guess I better start getting used to being in pain the majority of the time.

Gah, so many things to do. No matter how much free time you have, it's never enough. Kind of wish I had still taken my holiday time off, but I can use it later on in the year so it's ok. I want to start another sport or something soon, got to think...

Glosoli

2009-03-17T00:12:00.002Z

This song does wonders when you need to clear your head.

Tomorrow morning is going to be pain. Oh well, it's got to be done ^^;

Eye to eye

2009-03-15T22:32:00.003Z

Arms, pain, can't even punch at half speed, but I guess I have to hard train because of my body type so it can't be helped.

Wish cute girls would stop having weird haircuts.

Res 5 has too much ammo on normal mode.

Glad my house is complete again. Had a shit weekend but that has made things feel a bit better.

Hekireki

2009-03-14T21:07:00.003Z

Ordered new headphones, although they won't get here till Monday which is kind of annoying, but no normal shop sold the ones I wanted =S. My brother is home now so we've been playing computer games today and I'll be stepping up my training another level when we go to the gym tomorrow.

Emotions always seem to be a rollercoaster with me, I can't balance out without someone else there to stablise me. I'd say that's something I need to work on, but I've been working on it for 22 years and no luck so far.

Painting takes a long time.

Ship battles are hard when you're controlling more than 5 at once.

Tabi wa Tsuzuku

2009-03-13T23:48:00.003Z

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. It doesn't matter anymore, why? Ugh, live through this and you won't look back. What a complete and utter load of shit.

Wish my random play list wouldn't pick songs that heighten how I already feel. The start of High Fidelity is right, what about those thousands (literally thousands) of songs about heartbreak and loneliness...

... and I say that and J-pop comes on... you win this time playlist... this time...

Portions for Foxes.

2009-03-12T23:59:00.003Z

So, I don't know if I've mentioned this before. Maybe I have, regardless I was thinking about it on the bus home so I might as well put it down.

Anyway, I'm kind of sick of people saying things are deep or complicated lately. I mean, it's all very simple really. If you want to do something, you do it. If you feel a certain way about someone, act upon it. If there is a path you want to take in life, take it.

The same thing with how people act. All these "deep-rooted" problems aren't actually that deep rooted. You know, if you stopped and actually tried to recall the events that have happened to you, and how they have influenced you, it's very easy to connect the dots. Most people just block out those memories so that they don't have to face a painful, but simple, truth.

For example, I can say that right now that I'm training because I want to make myself feel healthy and confident. Both of these things are true, but it's not the real reason why I'm doing it. I won't admit it to myself very often but the reasons why I'm doing it are very simple and easy to recall, I just choose not to because they hurt. Because I used to be picked on. Because I never won a fight as a kid. Because I was called gay and made to feel like a girl. Because the girls I have loved have always previously gone out with/are friends with "manly" guys and it makes me feel insecure. Because I am, and probably always will be, a beta male, simply because of my nature. Recalling the memories that a linked to these issues hurts, but in truth it's easy if I allow myself to. They aren't deep. They're on the surface. Everything is always on the surface, we choose not to see it as it pushes us into making us into something else.

I'll try to see it all. I won't, but I'll try.

Two other thoughts have also come to me today.

1. Opening a full broadside on an enemy vessel is fucking sweet! KA-BOOM! hehehehehe...

2. Women always have to give the most in relationships. It's why they choose assholes. If the other person gives more in the relationship, they feel indebted to that person and they don't know how to handle that. Well, in my experience they do anyway ^^;

The sweetness of death by...

2009-03-10T22:29:00.002Z

I really need to stop writing these blogs at the end of the day. I don't finish work till 9:30 and I always end up in a bad mood/feeling depressed. Definitely a morning person, sunshine, a new start and a cup of tea and I'm happy.

Gah, far too much of this is emo and even more of it isn't really me being honest, just venting somewhere I guess.

This month has been pretty lame if you add everything together. Might lose my job, no holiday now, family disfunction, friend problems, lack of sleep, feeling ill, chaos at work dispite everything else, PC broke, nice headphones broke etc. I guess more than anything is that I miss having someone to talk to. Yeah, family are there but they're family, and most of my friends are off other places, doing other things. It was nice getting to come home and having Lani to talk to. Main reason why I started this thing was so that I'm not just talking to myself... which I am kinda anyway... don't judge me...

Regardless, I can't complain I guess. I still have a nice home, people who care about me and good friends. Just take me a while to go back into my head like I did for the first 18 years ^^; Actually, when I think about it, that's probably what I take the most from in a relationship. I don't do much talking (I don't usually know what to say in day to day conversations), but I still like being talked to, I guess, I dunno. Maybe companionship is a better term. Well yeah, I guess thats why I was/am able to handle long distance relationships, as long as I can still get that interaction with that person then I'm happy. But I did without before and I'll do without again, humans can adapt to pretty much anything. It's probably one of our best/worse traits depending on the situation.

Wish she would talk to me as a friend again, but if wishes were fishes etc etc. Tea makes everything better. I think I grew up too fast in how I view relationships. Random thoughts at the moment. How much has changed in a year, better or worse? Oh well.

Polaris

2009-03-09T23:26:00.002Z

Work, crazy, very busy, didn't finish, left late, stupid buses, stupid headphones, "broken march", watchmen = good, comic = better, gundams = awesome, bed is sounding like a good idea.

Lols, Adam is now converted to my view on relationships. Welcome to hell bitch. No point in one nights, sleeping with a slut is no better than your right hand. No point in relationships, women are never satisfied. I'd gladly trade all the success, fame and money in the world for a quiet life and the woman I love.

But no, I mean, I'm fairly attractive, I do romance (surprise presents, tea and toast in bed), I can cook, I have endless patience, I can't dance but I'll get it one day, I'm good with kids, good with pets, good with families and friends, a good listener, not a bad kisser (I hope), am smart but not socially retarded, don't smoke, don't drink heavily, I put others first, forgive and forget in a second, screw up sometimes but I'm only human, only average height but slim build, can talk politics, religion, science, philosophy, art, sports, music, films, games, comics, cartoons, pretty much anything, stupidly loyal, can read intentions easily, I don't judge, I try to be modest, never ask for the world but will gladly give it, will always pay for dinner and hold the door open and I can last way longer than just the two minutes in bed that most guys seem to pull. Oh and I have an English accent. Yes, I'm a pretty decent guy, I don't think it's bad of me to say that I know that. 90% of the guys in the world treat women like shit, and I'm not one of them.

And the whole point of that was to ask why can't I find someone who will wait for me, but I already know that answer. Because sometimes you can be everything in the world, but if you're not there then you're not there, and so you'll never be enough.

Kind of glad I'm too tired to drink =P

Itsumo

2009-03-07T22:00:00.003Z

Went around Brighton with Brit today as she hadn't been out of London really, lots of walking, very tired due to this and exercise yesterday. Can't even lift a weight right now, pretty pathetic. Had a good time today though, seeing the sea always makes me feel happy.

Got depressed on the train back, can't stop thinking about Lani. I don't know what to do. It's been almost 2 months, if anything I'm thinking about her more and more. Once you say "I love you" to someone, I don't think you can ever stop loving them. You can bury it deep, maybe under hate or hurt. But it's still there. It doesn't go away. I need sleep really badly. Matt's coming around tomorrow to try and fix my pc, although I'm pretty positive it's the graphics card and it's gonna need replacing. Bye bye money, woooooooo.

Headphones broke as well. A lot of things are breaking lately. My life could be a lot worse, but this year has been pretty shit so far.

Oh well, sleep.

Hannah

2009-03-05T23:36:00.003Z

I think I should just curl up in bed and sleep this horrid month away... sleep and time will make it all better in the end, right?

Maybe it's karma for last March being the best month of my life. Maybe.

It is funny that I've spent more time "socialising" in the last month than I have in the last six, and I still feel like I'm going insane for not having anyone to talk to. Actually, scratch that, I already am insane... dunno, thoughts aren't in any real order lately.

Sleep, eat, train, work, drink, sleep, eat, train, work, drink, sleep, eat, train, work, drink... it was ok when I had a goal.

On my own

2009-03-04T22:02:00.002Z

I love you and if I get on that flight, I know I'll get on that train, I know I'll walk down that street and I know I'll knock on that door. Because it's where my feet would take me and I would do anything to try and see you. And I don't know what to do.

I never do.

Fuck...

2009-03-02T22:45:00.003Z

... I think that describes today pretty well.

Let's see, PC won't boot outside of safe mode. Probably graphics card, I dunno, regardless it's a pain in the ass.

Get to work. Entire department at work is closed. So that's fifty temps fired off the bat (some of whom were my friends) and then they need to redeploy the 30 or so permanent normal staff and the permanent managers. Which they're going to do into my department. So that will be most of my temps let go and my position probably taken over by a manager that doesn't have a fucking clue what they're doing.

So can I afford to go to NYC still this month? I dunno, I'll have to work it out tomorrow morning, I'm too tired to right now.

I got offered to go see a therapist today, maybe I should, heaven knows I'm fucked up enough to go.

The Amelie quote made me smile today though.

I just want... ugh, everything I guess. I want to keep my job, I want my family to be fixed and happy, I want to go to NYC and god I want Lani, more than anything in the world. I don't want to sleep in that double bed tonight.

*sigh* instead I need to train, eat and sleep.

It's a sad sad world

2009-03-01T21:47:00.003Z

Yay, went to work on a Sunday and didn't have to go in the end! What a wasted morning .___.

On the plus side, been playing Story of Thor (on the Megadrive collection for the 360) and I forgot what a great game it was. Wish I could get my hands on the Legend of Thor, that game made the Saturn for me.

Although between playing computer games, eating and painting, the day has kind of slipped away. Didn't sleep well last night so glad I can get a lay in tomorrow at the least (working lates can be a good thing sometimes). My shoulders are feeling pretty destroyed after yesterday, might have to put off training for another day.

I guess the only other thing of note for the day is that I'm just worried about her. Funny how one bit of ambigous info can set you off, especially when you're not sure whether to offer your help or not. Oh well =(

Forgot that I like Fiona Apple...

Waiting For Changes

2009-02-28T22:31:00.002Z

I kind of realised today that I'm very lucky to call this house my home. It's not huge, but it's comfortable and feels safe and I have some really good memories from here. My bedroom has always been my hiding place I guess, I've only ever shared it with two other people and... I dunno, I guess it'll just be a sad day when I move out.

On another note: gah! So there goes my only day off for the week. Have to be in work tomorrow morning .___. at least it's double pay and the work should be pretty quick... at least I hope so.

The last week or so I've cut back on my cardio, in the hopes of not sweating off what I'm putting on. It's gradually helping I think. Not by much, but I'm getting there. I think once I'm happy with my weight and muscle level then I'll start running more again. It's kind of funny when I consider how much time I've wasted the last couple of years. There are some things about myself I'm never going to be able to change (eg. my height .___. ) but I can slowly correct everything else. So I'm starting with my body first, and then I'll move onto learning the various skills I think I'm missing. Kind of sick of feeling insecure, so might as well fix it myself.

Wonder if I'll wake up at 5am again tonight, stupid body clock >.<

Every you, every me

2009-02-28T02:20:00.004Z

So I've drunk enough to write something honest so we might as well begin.

My biggest fear in any relationship, that is romantic, family or friendship, is and has always been getting left behind for someone better. Most of my life I have found that any friends I have made have always had other friends they would rather hang out with. I mean, I'm not exactly really funny or cool, I'm a good person but I can be retarded and I often try too hard to gain acceptance (so it usually backfires).

For a long time I was able to keep this separate from my romantic relationships. Yes, I have always gotten jealous but I could control it. That was until I met Katy. For a long time I was jealous of how she acted around Liam. At some points it got so unbearable that I snapped, but I was always able to quickly regain control because I convinced myself that she loved me and that, if I was actually a good boyfriend like I said I was, then I should trust her. I did. Look how that blow up in my fucking face.

So then it came to Lani, and it was hard. Really fucking hard. The distance was far and she was by far the prettiest girl that even took an interest in me, let alone went out with me. She genuinely seemed to love me and my feelings for her made what I felt for Katy seem like a child's notion of love in comparison. I mean, she's pretty, smart, funny, strong willed, passionate, into the same things as me and just... she tick's every box basically.

Maybe those things, the fact that she was so perfect... is so perfect, to me, made my jealousy even worse. Especially as her main hobby is dancing with other guys every week. I think that fuelled it even more, the fact that I can't dance is by far one of my biggest insecurities, and as Katy left me for someone who was passionate about the thing that she was into, so would Lani do the same to me eventually.

And so now, with everything in pieces again, I'm left with a different kind of feeling than I had before. Hating Katy was easy, so perfectly easy that it made everything easy in the long run. But with Lani. I know that by now she could be with someone else, or that my cruel imagination could be playing it's usual taunting games with me. Regardless, she could be with one of those small-dicked muscle-bound American jock retards who can't even last two minutes and will just treat her like utter shit in the end and I turn like this. I get petty. I mean, what kind of name is Kevin C? Kevin Cunt? Or can American boys not remember how to spell anything with more than 5 letters? And what about how ugly some of her ex's are?! See... petty.

But after 30 seconds of being filled of self-righteous vengeance, what am I left with? Just this gaping empty abyss in my stomach. "The abyss gazes also into you" right? I haven't solved anything, save that I just unleashed that pettiness on someone else and made them feel like shit. It doesn't help anyone. Not her, not me, not you.

So I may not be perfect. In fact, I fuck up a lot. And I know god damn well that whatever intentions I have, it won't stop this shit from being dumped onto some other poor soul at some point. But I'm going to try at least. Because if I don't, how many people who I love will I hurt in the end? I'll just be left alone again.

I'm still just that 8 year old boy, standing in that Autumn car park, wishing that everyone would just stop arguing and love me.

But I'll always be that boy.

Nightvision

2009-02-26T22:27:00.001Z

I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes.

That is all.

Yes Please

2009-02-26T18:25:00.002Z

Why does everyone in my life fuck everything up?

Is it like a prerequisite to knowing me or am I common thread that causes it all to happen?

Self-pity is weak and a waste of time, but sometimes I'm allowed to indulge in it... sometimes.

Oh, something to make those of you who have had your heart broken at some point laugh:

http://kevinbolk.deviantart.com/art/quot-A-Letter-to-My-Ex-quot-110753477

=)

Truly, Madly, Deeply...

2009-02-25T22:11:00.003Z

One bad apple really can ruin a bunch.

I'm starting to get the hang of my new position at work and learning to juggle looking after others as well as chasing higher ups who aren't paying attention to what actually needs to be done. However, I might have my next test of responsiblity a lot sooner than I had originally expected. Might have to do some apple picking...

Oh well, holiday is a little over two weeks! Few days at Sean's and then a good 5 or so days in NYC, should be fun! Even if I am going by myself ^^;

Citizen Erased

2009-02-24T18:28:00.002Z

I know there are many people in the world who sit there and contemplate death.

Death isn't scary. It might bring fear, but death is a part of life, it's simply another step for something else to be born.

Non-existence, now that is something that truly terrifies me. It's something like recalling a dream, where the concept hangs around the corners of your vision, threatening to come and consume you. And like a moth drawn to a flame, I foolishly try to grasp it, to try to remember it and sometimes... sometimes my fingertips reach it. It happened a lot more when I was a child, but every now and then, it still comes to taunt me.

Some people toy with the idea of death. They're nothing more than children who haven't been burnt by fire. I honestly cannot believe that anyone could want what I have occasionally touched upon. That if god is truly there, then this is his polar opposite and no language can convey the utter dread and hopelessness it gifts me each time it visits my tiny soul. Why am I even wasting a second of my life if that's what is to come?

Waltz # 2

2009-02-22T21:37:00.003Z

I think I'll try and shop more first thing in the morning on Sundays now. The shops are empty, still fully stocked and you get to have chilled out cool conversations with the staff lol.

Ah and some decent character deaths, see I knew I watched anime for a reason. Still not a patch on Zeta yet though.

Oh and if you don't own SF IV yet, why not?! Nice to have a great beat 'em up again =)

Untitled

2009-02-22T00:06:00.003Z

Have you ever followed the lines on the palm of your hand?

Some of them where engraved there since my birth, they have never been apart from me and I have never been apart from them. They have always been me.

Others have been carved by outside forces in my life. Meetings and departures, beginnings and ends, an enemie's cut, a friend's grasp, a lover's caress. All remain on these hands.

And the rest, the painful rest. Those brought with my own efforts, the lines gained from journeys, tests, questions, answers, training, succeeding, failing. Everything I did by myself.

Even now there seems more lines than I remember and this hand looks older. Alot older. And those hands that have gone away from mine, how many more lines do they now hold? Is what I carved there still important? Oh well, it's not like I ever had any choice, I can't stop being who I am. There's only one path for me to walk, so I might as well walk it with confidence.

Pitter patter goes my heart

2009-02-21T00:49:00.002Z

Lately I've been asking myself alot of questions about how to balance ourselves.

... which sounds pretentious, but stay with me because that's the point.

Firstly, whenever something happens to us, it will provoke a reaction from us, with the reaction often being a reflection of what has happened to us. For instance, someone insults us, we insult them back. Even a child realises that this will only lead to further provocation from each side and ultimately resolve nothing. It doesn't take a genius either to realise that this can then be pushed onto a global scale to point out the futility of wars, racism etc and that the best (and most idealistic) way of dealing with them would be for all of us to just stop, admit we were wrong and try to get along.

But it doesn't work. Why? Because pride acts faster than our thoughts and makes us act without reason? Because it is impossible to detach pain and hurt that we suffer from our decision making process? Because if we don't react, we might die and it is simply an innate self-defence system kicking in (kill him before he kills me simply so that I can live, demean him before he demeans me so that I can save face and survive in society etc)? All of the above and everything inbetween?

Or simply that pain is something a human can pass on to another, and that it doing so, they do not have to face their own? That we are all cowards, no matter how many times we whisper "I'm strong" "I can make it on my own" "I don't need anyone else" we truly are just running.

Think back to last time someone did something that hurt you, physically, emotionally, even if it just stung your pride a bit. What did you do? It was either flight or fight, you either ignored it and pushed it within you, or you snapped back and pushed it out to someone else. But is either of those actually better than the other? Aren't both just running? Is there a third option instead? Maybe.

And this is where we get prententious ladies and gentlemen. Because there is a third option, it's obvious, idealistic and utterly so up-your-own-ass that no-one would dare to admit it. It's simple, to step back. Now, most people would probably say that firstly, that's easier said than done and secondly, it's the same as the first option (ignoring the pain). Well to the first, everything is easier said than done, but the more you practice, the better you get at it. Nothing in life is easy, best get used to it. To the second, there is a large difference in truth. If you step back, you acknowledge that you were just hurt and you let yourself feel it. You still act upon what happened, but once the pain has ebbed. If you ignore the pain and pretend it doesn't affect you, that pain has still got to go somewhere. It will just dig deeper into you and you'll let it out on someone else later (I'm not talking hours, maybe years here). You're still running from it, even if you think you've dealt with it. Even if you repress the memory, your soul will still remember the pain it's storing and give it to someone else.

So, I've been trying to step back. It's hard, but it does have it's rewards. Even if it is incredibly unfair, because it means you're having to feel the pain that someone else has choosen to run from and have dumped it onto you, it's still worth it. I think, it allows you to understand that for you to have been given that pain, the person who gave it to you must been through pain too. Have you seen someone act vicious for no reason? How long have they been carrying around that pain in themselve in order to give it out in such a way. Every action has a cause, no matter how far in the past it might be.

I think that I understand a little better what my father and mother always say about parent's having unconditional love for their children. Maybe love is being willing to accept someone else's pain and feel it for them if they end up dishing it out on us, "We hurt the ones we love the most" right?

I think I have been hurt the worst by five people in my life, all of whom I can easily say that I love. So, the next time someone says they love you, maybe it's ok to let them help us with our pain.

Oh and I got a new haircut, it's spiffy =P

It's ok not to smile

2009-02-19T11:50:00.002Z

Sweet!

My uni overcharged me for my fees two years ago, thank you free £100! =P

Oh and lols!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_B5UrI7nAI

Empty

2009-02-18T23:54:00.004Z

I might not ever be really happy, but I think that's a good thing for me. I become complacent at the smallest thread of happiness and I stop trying to make myself a better person. Since the turn of the year, I've changed alot. Gradually on the outside, alot on the inside.

One day I might get there...

In the mean time...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iKIllCs5LE

=D

Namida no Mukou

2009-02-18T00:07:00.000Z

Today was better than yesteday, but let's face it, that wasn't very hard.

Thoughts for the day:

- Running with weights is hard.
- Doing random sketches is fun again.
- Forgot how enjoyable it is to build something *cut* *glue*
- People who are a very similar never get along =D
- I'm putting on weight and muscle O____O
- It's easier to hate than it is to face your own faults and problems, I'm getting there slowly though =)
- I'm gonna be travelling on Friday 13th =0
- I'm completely and utterly in love and it's enough.
- I'm hungry...

All these people drinking lover's spit

2009-02-16T23:21:00.000Z

Great start to the week.

Had to put up with having my head manager at work all the way till half 9, couldn't finish all of my work which is gonna make me look bad in front of Dave, have a fucking childish team who I'm going to have to rebuke tomorrow, got harrassed by a homless person, missed my bus, had to spend 20 minutes surrounded by chavs at the bus stop, then have to put up with them on the half an hour bus jouney and then come home to a dead house.

And yeah, I just wanted someone to talk to when I got in but here I am, writing a journal.

This is one whiny post and I'll regret it, but I don't have the energy to care. Look after everyone else, get told I'm a great person and then...

Not enough.

2009-02-15T23:27:00.000Z

So my weekend was rather uneventful.

Actually there's a lot I could talk about really. That I spent my Valentine's Day evening re-watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (I lost it at uni and so brought another copy yesterday and decided to watch it), while totally forgetting that the film is set on Valentine's Day (and the day preceeding it) and that Joel is a very good reflection of me as a person (I'm the same type of coward). Needless to say, it didn't do much to improve my mood that day lol.

I could also talk about the fact that I've seen a very marked change in Jas, and that people can change. The only ones that don't are the ones that aren't brave enough to face the music and want to change.

Or that I'm finally back to drawing again and it feels good to be creative and be making something.

And that I found an old box of memories that I had kept and found my nan's old fruit cake recipe and the first letter that Lani ever sent me (way back in '05)!

I guess a fair amount did happen this weekend really...

Oh and exercise is addictive. I'm glad I actually feel good to be in my body again... if that makes any sense ^^;;;;

Anyways... back I go...

Go!

2009-02-12T20:06:00.000Z

A man who is happy doesn't have any desire to write a journal... he's too busy enjoying life.

I find this very true, but right now, I need somewhere to contain my thoughts. Because I'm not always happy, but I'm always changing and it would be nice to keep those changes somewhere.

^_^