The list...
... of people I betrayed:
- Robbie
- Rachel
- Brit
- Yayoi
- Gareth
... of people I hurt beyond reason:
- Katy
- Lani
... of people I let down:
- Adam
- My parents
- My brother
... of people who I have promised more and never given:
- Drew
- Rossen
- Michelle
- basically all of my friends now that I think about it.
... of people I am terrified I will hurt:
- Suze
This isn't meant to be a self-loathing list, just a reflection. That time of the year I guess? I think I will add more people as I go.
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Secret Meeting
So I'm off on holiday tomorrow, huzzah! Sun, sea and sand here I come.
Honestly, I'm just happy to be off work for ten days, some days I'm not finishing until 7 each night recently, it's depressing.
Anything changed? Not really. I'm still struggling to find a balance, but I think a lot of that has to do with me not getting enough sleep. I'm hoping this holiday will go a long way to fixing that. I've been ill for almost a week now, which has meant I haven't been able to go to the gym, so I've been feeling restless as well.
I had some stuff I was going to write, but then I saw the time and realised I should be bed. I'll get around to it when I get back...
Honestly, I'm just happy to be off work for ten days, some days I'm not finishing until 7 each night recently, it's depressing.
Anything changed? Not really. I'm still struggling to find a balance, but I think a lot of that has to do with me not getting enough sleep. I'm hoping this holiday will go a long way to fixing that. I've been ill for almost a week now, which has meant I haven't been able to go to the gym, so I've been feeling restless as well.
I had some stuff I was going to write, but then I saw the time and realised I should be bed. I'll get around to it when I get back...
Monday, 24 August 2009
Sometimes Life Isn't Easy
Long time no post.
So what's been going on... a lot actually if I think about it.
It was my 23rd birthday at the beginning of the month (Leo's are the best), didn't get up to much on the actual day bar going out for a few drinks with Adam and Suze (it was a Monday), but the Saturday before I went with my family into London. We went on the London Eye (which was cool, I love heights), went out for lunch and generally had a good time.
The following weekend I went with my brother down to visit our Dad (which worked out as Suze was in Paris) and went camping in Cornwall. The weather was brilliant, we went body boarding and walked along the Cornish coast. It was a great way to unwind and have some fun.
Went back to work following that for three days and then went to Ayacon! So glad that con was back, Warwick is a much better venue than Leicester. Though it had some downs and problems (stupid early morning maids), it was still a brilliant con and I think everyone had a great time.
Unfortunately I didn't really recover from it the following week due to work and even though I mostly chilled with Suze this weekend, I'm still really tired even today (although that could have something to do with the ten hour day I did at work). Hopefully I'll be able to recover this week!
Things have been odd the last week or so and today I had to sit down for a couple of hours and come to terms that I really don't have any excuses for how I've been acting this year. I've been pretty self centered and moody with my family for a long time now, so I'm trying my best to change that.
I've also been a dick when it comes to Suze. I get jealous so easily, it makes me ashamed. I know why it happens, but it's not a good enough excuse. Nothing is. I'm responsible for how I act, no-one else. I've made childish comments, seen someone a way that they didn't deserve, when they've done nothing but be nice to me, and done by best to get stupid reassurance from Suze when it wasn't necessary. I've been so weak willed and not taken the kind of control and forwardness that I should. It's a stupid cycle, where you do nothing in order to not lose what you have, but by doing nothing is how you end up losing it.
Regardless, I owe her an apology when I speak to her tomorrow and I'm going to try to be the person I used to be, and hopefully become someone more. Because that's what she deserves, not some shadow of a person.
Can I stop repeating the same mistakes? Time always tells.
So what's been going on... a lot actually if I think about it.
It was my 23rd birthday at the beginning of the month (Leo's are the best), didn't get up to much on the actual day bar going out for a few drinks with Adam and Suze (it was a Monday), but the Saturday before I went with my family into London. We went on the London Eye (which was cool, I love heights), went out for lunch and generally had a good time.
The following weekend I went with my brother down to visit our Dad (which worked out as Suze was in Paris) and went camping in Cornwall. The weather was brilliant, we went body boarding and walked along the Cornish coast. It was a great way to unwind and have some fun.
Went back to work following that for three days and then went to Ayacon! So glad that con was back, Warwick is a much better venue than Leicester. Though it had some downs and problems (stupid early morning maids), it was still a brilliant con and I think everyone had a great time.
Unfortunately I didn't really recover from it the following week due to work and even though I mostly chilled with Suze this weekend, I'm still really tired even today (although that could have something to do with the ten hour day I did at work). Hopefully I'll be able to recover this week!
Things have been odd the last week or so and today I had to sit down for a couple of hours and come to terms that I really don't have any excuses for how I've been acting this year. I've been pretty self centered and moody with my family for a long time now, so I'm trying my best to change that.
I've also been a dick when it comes to Suze. I get jealous so easily, it makes me ashamed. I know why it happens, but it's not a good enough excuse. Nothing is. I'm responsible for how I act, no-one else. I've made childish comments, seen someone a way that they didn't deserve, when they've done nothing but be nice to me, and done by best to get stupid reassurance from Suze when it wasn't necessary. I've been so weak willed and not taken the kind of control and forwardness that I should. It's a stupid cycle, where you do nothing in order to not lose what you have, but by doing nothing is how you end up losing it.
Regardless, I owe her an apology when I speak to her tomorrow and I'm going to try to be the person I used to be, and hopefully become someone more. Because that's what she deserves, not some shadow of a person.
Can I stop repeating the same mistakes? Time always tells.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Next year
I went out with Adam and Jen tonight to catch up, we ended up spending almost 4 hours in Zizzi's eating food and talking about anything and everything. It's funny what comes up when the three of us get together, they often feel like my third family, the other set of siblings in my life.
I'm really grateful to have them.
Actually I'm a horribly lucky person when it comes to the people in my life, I often don't show the appreciation to them all that I should. Maybe one day they won't be there anymore and that'll be it.
Oscar Wilde said that "I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything." He forgot that the little men give, they lose forever. Women are always able to take everything back.
I really miss two people... even if they're not meant to be in my life anymore.
I'm really grateful to have them.
Actually I'm a horribly lucky person when it comes to the people in my life, I often don't show the appreciation to them all that I should. Maybe one day they won't be there anymore and that'll be it.
Oscar Wilde said that "I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything." He forgot that the little men give, they lose forever. Women are always able to take everything back.
I really miss two people... even if they're not meant to be in my life anymore.
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Oh it's all gonna break.
Haven't posted in a while, hmmmm...
Life has been up and down, but then it always is. Today I had to go to the Royal Show (it's the last ever one) which is like a big farmer's market/fare type thingy that happens yearly in Stoneleigh for work. Anyway, it was pretty good, even if I did have to get up at stupid o'clock this morning to get there. The food was good, the farmers were all generally nice (and those who weren't eventually came around when I explained what we were doing with the rural land registry to them in terms they understood) and the Defra staff on the trailer who I also had to work with were good fun.
Work has been generally ok, I could complain about certain things but I don't think I'm allowed to post them on the internet lol.
Home life is home life. I'm finding myself being increasingly lazy, it's crap. I need to do more to help out more around the house, I'm not always a great son.
I have the day off work tomorrow, whoop, going to Oxford to hang out with Suze. I've found myself back in a bit of a downer the last few days. Whenever I think I have a handle on my thoughts, they slip out of control again. Everything isn't meant to always be happy and perfect. Sometimes I still feel like the whiny pathetic teenager that I was in school. I want to either go back to the innocence I had as a child, or to hurry up and fully obtain the courage of an adult that I sometimes find myself being able to grasp.
I'm lacking in sleep so maybe it's that.
Life has been up and down, but then it always is. Today I had to go to the Royal Show (it's the last ever one) which is like a big farmer's market/fare type thingy that happens yearly in Stoneleigh for work. Anyway, it was pretty good, even if I did have to get up at stupid o'clock this morning to get there. The food was good, the farmers were all generally nice (and those who weren't eventually came around when I explained what we were doing with the rural land registry to them in terms they understood) and the Defra staff on the trailer who I also had to work with were good fun.
Work has been generally ok, I could complain about certain things but I don't think I'm allowed to post them on the internet lol.
Home life is home life. I'm finding myself being increasingly lazy, it's crap. I need to do more to help out more around the house, I'm not always a great son.
I have the day off work tomorrow, whoop, going to Oxford to hang out with Suze. I've found myself back in a bit of a downer the last few days. Whenever I think I have a handle on my thoughts, they slip out of control again. Everything isn't meant to always be happy and perfect. Sometimes I still feel like the whiny pathetic teenager that I was in school. I want to either go back to the innocence I had as a child, or to hurry up and fully obtain the courage of an adult that I sometimes find myself being able to grasp.
I'm lacking in sleep so maybe it's that.
Friday, 26 June 2009
Falling Down
Work has been kicking my ass all week, I've stayed late for the past three days. At least I'm back up to 3 days worth of flexi.
Crazy week.
Check out Eden of the East btw, brilliant show.
Maybe I'm feeling a little less paranoid...
Crazy week.
Check out Eden of the East btw, brilliant show.
Maybe I'm feeling a little less paranoid...
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Sunbeam stop tugging me...
And so I find myself at the end of another week.
Why is life going so fast now?! Stupid getting older *grumble*. Actually, that makes me think of getting old and dying, which is not good. I think Robbie is the only person I have met that understands my absolute terror of non-existence, but I think that's because he's quite a philosophical person. Plus he likes mechs. That has nothing to do with anything, but this is my blog so I can tangent as I please.
Moving away from depressing things, life is actually quite awesome right now. Yes, I have to go to work tomorrow, which sucks (who doesn't hate Sunday evenings?), but other than that, I really can't complain.
My job is enjoyable, even if I don't get paid enough for what I do, I just got a nice rebate from Mr taxman (that will be paying off the US trip thank you very much), I have great friends and I have great music playing on my sound system right now.
Which reminds me, I haven't been to concert in almost a year! God, I need to get off my ass and go to one soon. Another tangent I know...
And Suze actually choose to sit down and play Res 5 co-op for several hours. I mean, I didn't even have to suggest it or anything! True, I don't play computer games like I used to when I was a kid, but still, this bodes well for the rest of the relationship.
Actually the fact that I'm with Suze is pretty much at the top of the "why life is great" list at the moment. I'm slowly starting to become less and less worried that I'm gonna say something that is going to fuck everything up. I mean, I most definitely will at some point, but it's great that it's not so much of a worry anymore.
Saturday was a good laugh. I met up with some of the anime community people in Green Park for the picnic thing. Really, I only went to go and hang out with Charlie and Leon, but we had a really good time. Getting to talk to Natalie (one of Charlie's best friends) was good too. I've never had to the chance to talk to her in the past, but we found a common interest in exercise and sports, so it was nice getting to know her. I'm getting to know a lot more of the different bakas this year, and it's been really great. It's part of the reason why I'm so looking forward to Ayacon in a couple of months!
I need to do more drawing...
Why is life going so fast now?! Stupid getting older *grumble*. Actually, that makes me think of getting old and dying, which is not good. I think Robbie is the only person I have met that understands my absolute terror of non-existence, but I think that's because he's quite a philosophical person. Plus he likes mechs. That has nothing to do with anything, but this is my blog so I can tangent as I please.
Moving away from depressing things, life is actually quite awesome right now. Yes, I have to go to work tomorrow, which sucks (who doesn't hate Sunday evenings?), but other than that, I really can't complain.
My job is enjoyable, even if I don't get paid enough for what I do, I just got a nice rebate from Mr taxman (that will be paying off the US trip thank you very much), I have great friends and I have great music playing on my sound system right now.
Which reminds me, I haven't been to concert in almost a year! God, I need to get off my ass and go to one soon. Another tangent I know...
And Suze actually choose to sit down and play Res 5 co-op for several hours. I mean, I didn't even have to suggest it or anything! True, I don't play computer games like I used to when I was a kid, but still, this bodes well for the rest of the relationship.
Actually the fact that I'm with Suze is pretty much at the top of the "why life is great" list at the moment. I'm slowly starting to become less and less worried that I'm gonna say something that is going to fuck everything up. I mean, I most definitely will at some point, but it's great that it's not so much of a worry anymore.
Saturday was a good laugh. I met up with some of the anime community people in Green Park for the picnic thing. Really, I only went to go and hang out with Charlie and Leon, but we had a really good time. Getting to talk to Natalie (one of Charlie's best friends) was good too. I've never had to the chance to talk to her in the past, but we found a common interest in exercise and sports, so it was nice getting to know her. I'm getting to know a lot more of the different bakas this year, and it's been really great. It's part of the reason why I'm so looking forward to Ayacon in a couple of months!
I need to do more drawing...
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